Why We Fight to Be Right—And How to Shift Your Mindset
Most of us like being right. We like to be "right” in the way we think, the way we live our lives, and the way we communicate with others. It can feel good to believe that the way we do things is the correct way. But, having this mentality of needing to be right can also prevent us from learning, growing, and fostering healthy relationships with mutual understanding. This blog will discuss where the desire to be right may have come from and ways to challenge this.
Why We Like to Be Right
The Neurobiological Explanation: A Harvard study talks about how cortisol, the stress hormone, “floods the brain” when we are in a high-stress event. This process can impair our executive functioning (what lets us make decisions) and our body's ability to regulate our emotions. During this process, our brain releases adrenaline and dopamine to allow us to cope. Adrenaline can cause our body to go into fight or flight mode. If your trauma response is to fight, then the need to be right can be a way of asserting yourself and protecting yourself from a perceived threat.
Dopamine is associated with pleasure and reward. When we “win” an argument, dopamine gives us that sense of satisfaction and motivation. This feeling can be literally addicting and can explain why we constantly feel the need to prove ourselves when uncomfortable situations occur.
Childhood Conditioning: Reflect on earlier memories. What did your parents teach you about being right? Were there consequences when you did something wrong, even if it was by accident? Our need to be right can stem from the messages passed down to us on what being right represents. For example, if you were raised in an environment where being wrong was viewed as a failure, you may have learned to associate mistakes or misunderstandings with shame or inadequacy. This can lead to a fear of being wrong, where proving your point isn't just about the argument, it's about protecting your self-worth.
Sense of Relief: Hearing "you were right" can feel satisfying. It can feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and provide you with instant gratification. When someone tells you, “you are right,” it can feel like they finally see things from your perspective. In this sense, wanting to be right can stem from a need for validation and recognition of your emotions.
Protection: We may desire to be right because we want to protect ourselves. Being right can protect our egos from being stung. Being right allows us to feel like we have control over the situation. Being right can protect us against uncertainty and act as a defense mechanism. Likewise, wanting to be right may stem from a desire to protect the image others have of us—to be seen as competent, knowledgeable, or capable. The desire to defend ourselves isn't always a bad thing. It can prevent us from people-pleasing, or being a pushover. Yet, there are healthier ways to express our opinions, instead of focusing on just being right.
How to Challenge the Need to be Right
If we enter a conversation or argument with the need to be right, we are automatically in defense mode. This can make it harder to listen, learn, and engage in meaningful dialogue. It can lead us to feel stuck in our ways. To challenge this pattern, consider the following:
Change the story you tell yourself about what being right means. Why is it so important to you to be right? Remember that being wrong (or just not being right) is not a failure. No one will like you more just because you proved a point.
Admit when you are wrong. This takes practice and can feel hard, but it can improve your communication skills. You are allowing yourself to be human and vulnerable, and it can feel freeing.
Focus on understanding instead of winning. If you get into an argument with your partner or a friend, dedicate some time to understanding their intentions rather than just defending your stance. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes can help you view the situation with more compassion. Create space to feel your emotions and express your feelings instead of focusing on “winning” the conversation.
Practice self-love. As mentioned above, being right allows us to feel good about ourselves and validates our ideas about our moral compass. But we know it can also be detrimental. So, practice other ways of showing yourself self-love. This can be through setting boundaries, holding space for your emotions, and making time for activities that you enjoy.
Wanting or even needing to be right is often more about the feelings associated with it than the facts themselves. Letting go of the need to be right does not mean you can't defend your beliefs. It’s about creating space for open conversation, curiosity, growth, and problem-solving.
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