Why Commitment Feels Scary and How to Move Forward with Confidence
The fear of commitment is something many people experience. This fear can show up in relationships, career decisions, or any area of your life where big choices are involved. Understanding some of the root causes behind this fear may allow you to gain more clarity on your barriers to commitment. Likewise, it can help you overcome specific challenges and move forward with greater confidence and trust in yourself.
The fear of not being good enough
For many, the fear of commitment has less to do with the commitment itself and more with what it represents. You might want to say yes to a relationship, career opportunity, or big decision but find that self-doubt is holding you back. The fear of “not being good enough” often stems from insecurities and anxiety.
When you’re faced with a commitment decision, take a moment to mindfully reflect on what’s holding you back. If it is self-doubt, gently remind yourself that you are worthy and deserving of every good thing you want for yourself. Refrain from viewing commitments as a measure or test of your worth. Instead, try to view commitments as opportunities to continue growing and learning in ways that are meaningful to you.
It’s also essential to take the time to understand the role that your insecurities and anxiety have played in relation to these fears. Therapy can be a valuable tool in helping you heighten this sense of awareness. Through therapy, you can also learn more about building confidence, acknowledging your strengths, cultivating self-love, and practicing self-compassion.
The fear of getting hurt again
If you've experienced trauma from a previous relationship or experience, the thought of committing to someone or something can feel incredibly overwhelming. The pain you endured may have been so profound that you have convinced yourself that avoiding commitment is safer and maybe even the better option for yourself. It’s completely understandable to want to protect your heart after being hurt.
However, by avoiding commitment, you may be unintentionally closing the door to a lot of great opportunities. It’s important to acknowledge that while there is always a chance of getting hurt again, there’s also a high chance that you won’t. No two people, situations, or experiences are the same; just because someone or something hurt you in the past does not mean the next person or opportunity will.
More importantly, recognize your growth from previous challenging experiences. You’re not the same person you were before your first heartbreak. You’ve learned, deepened your awareness, and built resilience. By focusing on strengthening your ability to navigate challenges and overcome setbacks, you can approach the commitment with the confidence that, no matter what the outcome is, you have the skills and tools to handle it. Remind yourself that putting yourself out there may be hard, but it could also be so worth it.
The fear of making the wrong choice
Another reason why you may feel hesitant to commit to someone or something is due to the fear of making the wrong decision. Often, this fear stems from perfectionism and is maintained by a cycle of second-guessing and “what-if thinking.”
You may ask yourself:
What if I’m dating the wrong person?
What if this decision is wrong for my career?
What if I change my mind?
These questions can make you feel like the idea of commitment is impossible.
To challenge this, start by recognizing your autonomy. Remember that commitment is not equivalent to permanence. If you make a commitment that no longer aligns with what you want for yourself, you are allowed to change your mind. Nothing is set in stone. You have autonomy and are always allowed to reconsider your needs and priorities.
Let go of the pressure to make the ‘perfect’ choice. There is no such thing. Rather, focus on whether the commitment feels right for you and if it is aligned with your current goals and values.
The fear of commitment can feel overwhelming and confusing. But by recognizing what causes these fears–whether they stem from self-doubt, previous experience, or perfectionism–you can alter your practices and move forward with more compassion and curiosity.
Ready to prioritize your mental health and well-being? MSC Therapy offers specialized psychotherapy services for young adult women in New York and Florida. Mollie provides compassionate, client-centered, and supportive therapy to help clients navigate anxiety, low self-esteem, disordered eating, body image concerns, OCD, relationship issues, dating, school or career stress, perfectionism, and life transitions. Services are available virtually, allowing for convenient and accessible support. Reach out now to take the first steps toward a more balanced life.